Haiz what I am afraid of is finally here. I try to prevent this day from ever happening. But guess I have failed coz I didn't try hard enough. I really hate having this feeling. The feeling of loving someone but you know that you won't have a future with that somone. To make matter worse is that you can't even do anything but to hide that feeling away. And to do that require alot of will power. I may be able to hide it now but for how long. How long can one handle this kind of pressure? Sooner or later this kind of feeling will betray me.

I try avoiding her but finds myself missing her days by days. Somehow instead of trying to forget her, it made me love her even more. It made me feel so helpless and agony now. But what else can I do? Tell her straight in the face. This thought came across my mind before. And to do that require a great deal of courage. And that is what I am lacking now. Where can I find courage? I know that is a stupid question coz everyone knows that courage comes from within yourself. But within me is only rage and coward.

Sometimes I hate myself. I see myself as a pathetic guy. Why can't I always do things right? Why do I have to keep screwing up things? Actually there is a reason why there is a drastic change in my behaviour and temper. I done many bastard and evil things just to pissed everyone off. I thought it will help me to give her up completely. And again I screw things. And how many evil things I must do to get rid of that feeling? I am afraid if this drag any longer I will come to the stage where I will hate myself.

My buddies had been telling me to give a try. Maybe the outcome is not what I fear it will be. Maybe it will turn out to be a happy ending. But that will only be possible if I am given a chance. But is that even possible? After so many things that had happened I seriously doubt that. But if I am lucky enough to be given a chance I would definitely tresure it and make things right. Alot of friends had been telling me that I need to change a few things. One such example is my eager to win everytime. Sometimes to conceede defeat is a good things too. Next is I shouldn't keep going out with different girls too often as that will only lead to some misunderstanding. Worse case scenerio is others might spread rumour that I am wooing that particular girl when in fact I am not. The last thing I need right now is bad rumour to spoil my chance. That is why I am slowly changing. I already told everyone to slap me in the face whenever I lose my temper. And I am proud to say that I haven't lose my temper for 4 whole days. It may be stupid to you guys but it is a big step for me. And I haven't been going out with any girls but Mindy. And to clarify things she is my best friend, my buddy. Nothing more.

I only hope what I am doing is right. I want to change to be a better person. Not only for her but for myself too. I understand that my behaviour had been abnormal lately and some of you are already finding it irritating. But rest assure I will change it but I need time to do that. And I only hope she will wait.

p.s. I didn't realise I love you so damn much until recently and avoiding you is not going to solve all this. All I am asking for is a chance to prove myself to you. I hope you are willing to give me that one chance. I hope you know who you are.

I just don't get it leh. I am really super pissed off. I hate people accussing her of doing something which she never did at all. And stop saying I am too blind to see it. Whatever has happened has already happened. There is no turning back. Don't always blame me. I did gave chances but again all I get was disappointment. Why do I always have to be the one to bow down? I admit I am wrong. I have apologise and done everything I could. But what have you done? How did you handle the situation? And still have the cheek to blame me when things turn so sour and ugly. Who is the one who have been doing alot of things to solve the problem and who is the one who have been doing nothing at all. All you ever did was involve other in. And what is worse is you did something which really pissed me off. You know I hate it when people lie to me, treat me as a fool and most definitely give my e-mail and hp number away to stranger. And stop giving the same excuses over and over again. Coz it is damn fucking stupid. When things turns for the worse, have the courage and admit some of the mistake and not push everything to ME. You say I need some self-reflection but I think you are the one who need it. I try to play nice but you still want to ignore everything. If that is how you want to play then so be it. Serioulsy man I don't even care a damn fuck about how you and them think of me. You can tell whatever bullshit about me to them as you like. I just want you to know that you are starting to get on my nerve. You haven't seen what I am capable of yet. Don't make me come to that stage.

Mindy, I am really sorry that I have doubt you before. And let you suffer all these injustice. But rest assure that I will do whatever it takes to clear your name. Even if it means I have to sacrifice something. You don't deserve all these. If I really have to choose, I will side with you. Coz at least you willing to take the initiative to show concern to me when I am feeling down and take care of me when I need wheel chair to move around. You are always there for me not them. I am not blind coz I realise that through action. I really appreciate all the things you have done for me. Going with me to see doctor when you jolly well know that hospital bring you bad memory because of that incident. Going with me for my physio whenever you are free. Whenever I admit to hospital, you are always there to visit me and to scold me. Buying foods for me when you know I can't move around much. Calling me to console me when I am feeling sad. Giving me encouragement when I feel like giving up. Giving me tution about the aviation industry coz I need it for my work. Giving me a wonderful 21st birthday. Always reminding me to take my medicine when you know I will forgot. Discourage me from playing tennis because you scare I will end up in hospital again. Always find ways to entertain me when I am feeling bored. Always buy kinder bueno for me coz you know it will brighten my day. Always give into my unreasonable demand. Always have to tolerate my hot temper coz choose to keep quiet. Helping me to quit smoking compeletly. Always help me to destress after a stressful day at work. Bringing me to places where I don't even know exist in singapore. Always give me advice which greatly help me. Always do the right things at the right time. Whenever I work super early shift, you will give me a wake up call. The things you have done go on and on and on. So much that I can even make a book out of it. I am so guilty for the way I treat you in the past. Even though we can't be together, I am glad that we can be very close friend. It is because of you I realise the true meaning of friendship.

Chuan wei, I also want to thank you for being a really great buddy. Always let me bully you. Wahaha. Ok la I try not to bully you MUCH in future ok. Actually muz also thank a few people la. Like Liqin who is willing to listen to my complain about some people. Sorry for boring you. Jack and kevin for always bringing me for desert. LTC for always doing stunts to entertain me.

Haha shit man last minute ask me to claim my day off. Lucky I got plan for tml if not cfm damn bored. Super damn pissed off these 2 days sia. I think my buddies should know what la. I mean come on la even an idiot know they are damn fake la. KNN if they want to do stunts and continue giving these shit attitude then I will play along. Let's see who can last longer.

Haha family not at home again. I am all home alone. So SOMEONE came over to stay. Don't you guys think dirty hor. We nv do anything at all. And had been having supper these few days. Shit man cfm damn fat le la. All thanks to SOMEONE who like to have supper. Come on you are slim but I am fat leh. Hehe. Lucky got wii to play if not really damn fat. Haha. And act cute lor. Tie what hair sia. Haha opps.

Anyway chuan wei don't want me to call him wei er. Ok lor then call him gps buddy. And low profile??? You know I know can liao. Wahaha.

Today I am a good boy coz I am staying at home to rest. Actually the real reason is I dun want to anger my mum. Coz she can be real scary when she is angry. Haha really damn bored la coz I have been finding things to do.

Anyway yesterday went xinying birthday chalet. Haha I must admit it was the best birthday chalet I have been to so far. She really plan and handle things very well. Seriously man, me and wei er were the first to arrive there and there are already activitives for us to play. And her games involve all her guests. Not like some of the parties that I have been to where the games only involve a group of guests who are very close to the host. To tell you the truth I hate it. I mean come on la why can't the games involve everyone. Why only the "selected one" can play. Does the host even know how those who are being neglected feel? Ok enough of the bad stuffs. LTC, kevin and jack arrive later. Haha and that when the fun really begin since the WHOLE gang have arrived. As usual I will play the wasabi game. Haha I involve everyone in the game. Be it those I know or do not know. After that we play indian poker where loser have to do some stupid things. Erm can't say it here la coz I was the biggest loser in that game. Haha we played twister too. Because of my back condition I seek that game out. But I was the referee for that game. Haha I admit I am damn evil la. Wahaha wei er should know why. Then me and wei er come up with a damn irritating game. This game mostly involve the birthday girl. Ok la we damn evil coz we hide her birthday cake somewhere else. She has to ask people for the clue. Sound stupid but quite fun actually. Really had so much fun man. Hmm I wonder when will be the next time where I can have so much again.

Haha I kena say by the guys that I am so gay coz I used lip balm. But hello my lip damn dry la. Haha dennis coming back in 2 weeks times. Haha miss him so damn much. Coz lots of catching up to do. Working night shift this week. So sianzzzzzzzz.

Haha I decided not to go for my operation but I will rest more at home.vSo no worry people. Wahaha.

Haha just reach home and I am still feeling energtic. Must be the 2 cans of red bull I drank last night all thanks to SOMEONE. Haha was suppose to listen to the doctor and stay at home to rest but you know me la, staying at home and doing nothing is killing me. If my back is destine to be chui so be it la coz I ain't gonna care anymore. I want to have fun while I still can. Anyway yesterday was day off so instead of staying at home I went singing with jack, wei er and LTC. Well I can't play tennis or learn wake boarding so that is the only thing I can do for the time being. And we celebrate LTC birthday too. As usual outing with them was CRAZY and FUN. It has been so long since I really enjoy myself. Unlike going out with some people where I wil be damn bored. Haha wei er should know who I am referring to hor. Haha evening went siglap for a drink and talk many things including my recent things. Haha got lots of advice from them. Then went ECP walk walk. Haha go watch sun rise. Sound so gay right. Hehe.

Went to watch the metor shower at pasir ris beach but can't even see any thing la. Waste my whole night sia. But at least the companion was good.

And something I want to clarify. I was hospitalise because my back was so damn painful that I took 2 pain killers at once. Coz I thought it will work instantly. Yes I know I am damn stupid. But not because I was suffering from depression like what mindy say. So people stop sending me weird sms. Haha I am feeling happy recently so why would I even suffer from depression. And mindy I am feeling ok now so you can go back to work.

Haha book my operation on the 11th dec. But there are some risks I must prepare to take la. If the doctor screw up I may be wheel chair bound or in future when I walk I might be limping. What is worse is that the doctor is 60% confidence. However if I go for the operation the pain will reduce greatly. Coz the pain is really unbearable for me sometime and really trouble me alot. My mum don't really approve me of having the operation. So I ask alot of people for advice. And most told me not to go. Except liqin. She asked me to go for it. Haha. But I really dunno sia. People give me advice after you read this entry ok. Coz I really need them now.

Haha juz came back from hospital and happy to say that I am wheel chair bound for the time being. Coz my back really hurt and I have difficulty walking. That's why the doctor ask me to use wheel chair these few days. Haha I am not sad about it but rather happy coz it means I don't have to walk around and someone will be pushing me. Hehe. Haha so Jack and chuan wei, tml you guys have to push me around leh. But seriously leh bring a wheelchair to sing k-box really a bit unconvenient sia. Haha I really damn bo liao coz I keep playing with my wheel chair since I got home. Haha but who cares la coz is only for a few days. And ya next month going for operation but I am having mixed feeling. I went to the website to do a research on it and it's really freaking me out lor. But then again if I am destine to be cripple so be it. I have accept my fate anyway.

Haha really muz thank my airforce buddies for helping get over this difficult times. I really appreciate your help. Haha but dun expect me to bring the wheelchair to work. Hahaha.

Haha I need to write this entry. Haha to clear some misunderstanding lor. Haiz!!!

Ok I always have this impression that Mindy hate my sisters. Reason being that she always try to do stunts during xiaomei birthday or she will accuse them of these or that. To put it simple she never once say anything good about them. But I have actually mistook her GOOD intention.

Firstly as you all know Mindy ask me whether I want to go oversea with her but it falls on the 9 Nov that week. But xiaomei birthday party is held that week too. Even though I really wish to go with Mindy but I have already promise xiaomei to attend her birthday party. After all you only get to be 21st once a lifetime. So I thought that maybe Mindy don't want me to attend the party. But that is so not true la. She knew that I have already apply leave that week and she knew that APEC is that week too. And since I am only applying local leave, there is a high chance that I might be call back to work even though I am on leave. However, if I change it to oversea leave, there is no way I can be call back since I am oversea. In fact from the begining she just don't want me to overwork myself because I may need to run here run there. She scare it is bad and stressful for my back. She is not trying to spoil everything.

Secondly, she asked me out for fishing on the 9 Nov. Yes 9 Nov again. But that night I may be staying over at the chalet. So I thought maybe she is trying to do something stupid again. And again I have mistook her GOOD intention. There was once I told her the first night at the chalet I might be bored becoz I don't even know most of the people staying there that night. I might feel a little awkward too. And the only people that I can talk to is ermei becoz damei and xiaomei confirm entertain their friends ma. Then the very next day she asked me if I want to go fishing with her at night after I have settled everything for xiaomei. But she don't even fish at all. So I tell myself she is doing stunts again. But she is actually trying to help me find some activities to do that night, knowing that I won't talk to people that I don't really know unless they talk to me first. She is afraid that the whole night I will be damn bored. As I believe those of you who are super close with me should know that once I am bored I will start to have mood swing. So she is trying to be a nice person and ask me out to find something to do. She even choose places that are nearer to the chalet. Again she is not trying to mess up or spoil anything.

All these things that she had been doing is actually for my sake. But I am such an idiot for failing to see it. You all must be wondering why I suddenly blog this. Well is becoz I feel that there is a need to clear her name la. Since I believe most of you think that she is jealous of these or that. That is why she started showing her true colour. But I can assure you guys that is not her style at all. I know her for 2 years and she is actually a person who always put her friends before her. She is concern for me that is why she did all these things. But we are all human being what. We tend to commit "murphy's law." So people stop pointing fingers at her when it is you who need to do some self-reflection. That sentence is not direct at anyone or anybody. But put yourself in her shoes. Won't you guys do the same things if you know that I may be bored to death or may tired myself out. You guys ask yourself these questions. If your answer is no then it can only show that she makes a better friend than you.

That night I was feeling really guilty after we trash everything out. Not only have I doubt her but I have hurt her feeling as well. And what is worse is some people even dared to tell me she is faking it all to gain my sympathy. But why does she even need to do that for. You should know my character those who are good toward me will receive the same treatment. Treat me like shit or as a fool and take advantage of me will only only make you suffer fate worse than death. Don't test me. I mean every word I said. So those of you who have doubt Mindy before, please stop doing so. I believe in every words she said.

Haha to my sisters, Mindy want to say sorry to you all if she had cause any unhappiness. She really didn't mean it. And xiaomei, Mindy want to wish you happy 21st birthday. And here is a picture to prove it. And no worry about the cake as I have already ate it on your behalf le. And it is delicious!!!

She is saying: "Happy Birthday xiaomei !!!"

Wahaha!!! Yummy...Delicious.

Name: Daniel Yap
Horoscope: Aries
Birthdate: 8-4-1987
Email address

Wish: Meet my Ms Right
Wish: Be happy all the time
Wish: To eat kinder bueno everyday




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