Saturday, November 28, 2009
Haiz what I am afraid of is finally here. I try to prevent this day from ever happening. But guess I have failed coz I didn't try hard enough. I really hate having this feeling. The feeling of loving someone but you know that you won't have a future with that somone. To make matter worse is that you can't even do anything but to hide that feeling away. And to do that require alot of will power. I may be able to hide it now but for how long. How long can one handle this kind of pressure? Sooner or later this kind of feeling will betray me.
I try avoiding her but finds myself missing her days by days. Somehow instead of trying to forget her, it made me love her even more. It made me feel so helpless and agony now. But what else can I do? Tell her straight in the face. This thought came across my mind before. And to do that require a great deal of courage. And that is what I am lacking now. Where can I find courage? I know that is a stupid question coz everyone knows that courage comes from within yourself. But within me is only rage and coward.
Sometimes I hate myself. I see myself as a pathetic guy. Why can't I always do things right? Why do I have to keep screwing up things? Actually there is a reason why there is a drastic change in my behaviour and temper. I done many bastard and evil things just to pissed everyone off. I thought it will help me to give her up completely. And again I screw things. And how many evil things I must do to get rid of that feeling? I am afraid if this drag any longer I will come to the stage where I will hate myself.
My buddies had been telling me to give a try. Maybe the outcome is not what I fear it will be. Maybe it will turn out to be a happy ending. But that will only be possible if I am given a chance. But is that even possible? After so many things that had happened I seriously doubt that. But if I am lucky enough to be given a chance I would definitely tresure it and make things right. Alot of friends had been telling me that I need to change a few things. One such example is my eager to win everytime. Sometimes to conceede defeat is a good things too. Next is I shouldn't keep going out with different girls too often as that will only lead to some misunderstanding. Worse case scenerio is others might spread rumour that I am wooing that particular girl when in fact I am not. The last thing I need right now is bad rumour to spoil my chance. That is why I am slowly changing. I already told everyone to slap me in the face whenever I lose my temper. And I am proud to say that I haven't lose my temper for 4 whole days. It may be stupid to you guys but it is a big step for me. And I haven't been going out with any girls but Mindy. And to clarify things she is my best friend, my buddy. Nothing more.
I only hope what I am doing is right. I want to change to be a better person. Not only for her but for myself too. I understand that my behaviour had been abnormal lately and some of you are already finding it irritating. But rest assure I will change it but I need time to do that. And I only hope she will wait.
p.s. I didn't realise I love you so damn much until recently and avoiding you is not going to solve all this. All I am asking for is a chance to prove myself to you. I hope you are willing to give me that one chance. I hope you know who you are.
; You promised me the sunrise,
under that tree at 1:01 AM ♥
